Wild Kingdom

Captain Canada loves to go out dancing in the clubs. I also love to dance, but I don’t really like to start my evening at midnight; and anything that goes after 3 AM starts to feel like a hostage situation. You see we already have a fundamental disconnect.

However, since we firmly adhere to the Kindergarten Fieldtrip Rule: Always stay with your buddy! - my trusty sidekick has been thrown down ski slopes, sand dunes and into dolphin-infested waters; now it was my turn to suck it up and head out to the club where he finds his bliss.

Our evening begins with a nice dinner in the hotel restaurant…where everyone knows our name. (NORM!)

At 11 o’clock we prep for our evening out…complete with WAY bigger hair and makeup than I’m used to (think Patrick Swayze in To Wong Fu) but hey…it’s club attire and if you’re not “in” you’ll be standing outside in line all night. Okay, Disco Check done, it’s time to go.

At the club the line moves quickly and Canada puts me in front because girls (and the guys with them) have a separate, faster, line. Oh…and ladies don’t have to pay. This is an incentive to get more girls in the club, because if girls are there…guys will follow…DUH!

Once in the club, it didn’t take long to assess the situation. I have two words for you… Meat Market.

No big deal, I’m there with a dude and most people think we’re “together” so they leave us alone. But wait! What happens when (after 6 drinks) the dude has to visit the bathroom? A blatant violation of the aforementioned Kindergarten Rule, that’s what!

Visualize the Serengeti…
A gazelle stands happily grazing in the meadow. The rest of the herd moves on without her noticing. Did anyone hear that? Is there a rustling in the grass over there? Is there a different scent in the air? YES! It’s lions…a whole pride of them…poised to attack! Run little gazelle, RUN!!!

This gazelle was not very bright…this gazelle was busy drinking her water and getting her groove on. She did not notice the lions waiting in the grass. She thought she was safe within the herd. Stupid, stupid gazelle…

BOOM! Canada is in the can. Taunya is on the dance floor and the lions close in. There’s pushing, there’s shoving, there’s growling among the lions, however…there is NO TOUCHING of the actual gazelle! Thank goodness, but how is this possible?

Enter my night club heroes… Antook and Khalid (a.k.a. Andy and Kal) – two of the biggest dudes I’ve seen in the place aside from the bouncers. They proceed to push the rest of the lions out of the way and ask if I have enough room.

Gazelle: “Why yes, thank you very much!”
Lions: “Would you like another drink? Tequila shots or Vodka perhaps?” – Ahhh…I said they were nice, but they ARE still lions.
Gazelle: “No thanks, I’m driving (total lie, we took a taxi) – just water for me.” This gazelle might be slow, but she sure isn’t gonna be in the newspapers for being the stupid, drunk one.
Lions: “Cigarette?”
Gazelle: “No thanks.”
Lions: “Ahh…you are a healthy girl. Nice girl. May we hang out with you for a while?”
Gazelle: “Yes, that would be nice.”

The night passed as I danced and talked with my new lion friends. They were particularly helpful at closing time, when we had to guide a very drunken Canadian out of the club and pour him into the taxi. I tried not to be rude and maneuver out of my big fat “I’m driving lie.” Because now they were insisting I should let them drive us home. Ummm, thanks but no thanks…no lions at the hotel door.

So, in the end, the gazelle lives to see another day and there will be no more wandering into the Wild Kingdom.